Patience is a Virtue

Patience.

Pa•tience. 

/' pāSHens/

 Noun

1. the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Let's be honest for a second; Is there anyone in the world who has mastered the art of being patient all the time?  Probably not. I can tell you that over the last year and a half my "patience" has been tested more than it has my whole life. The whole process of ttc will test anyone's, will it not? Whether you get pregnant your first month trying or it takes you eight years... You still have the ever-dreaded two week wait where you do everything from mentally convince yourself that you have morning sickness, sore boobs, and a full blown baby belly, to googling statistics, figure out what your due date is going to be, stopping alcohol consumption, and begin picking out furniture and baby names. All of these things, of course fueled by excitement, are most likely just acts to keep yourself occupied while you're waiting month after month to find out if you've got your BFP. 

I'm sure this isn't the same for everyone, but I know that this is how the first year of my journey went. In fact I can tell you what we are going to name our children, what color the nurserys will be, what style clothes they will wear, and what products I will use. Thank you Pinterest. (Yes, I am aware that almost all of them will change when the time comes, please don't mistake my optimism for naivety.) :) 

So this brings me to my next point...over the last few weeks I have heard the term, "Just be patient" probably close to twenty times. And every time I respond with a smile accompanied by, "oh, I am!" Or, "I'm trying!" Which is true... I am definitely trying to be and most of the time I am very patient.  And as always, the encouragement and support is what keeps me going with a level head; so thank you. 

But after another conversation recently where it was said, "Why are [Nikki and Jon] in such a hurry to have a baby? This fertility stuff is just unnecessary. If they're just patient then it will happen!" I was a little taken aback. 

My first reaction was to just get upset and and vent to my husband about how some people just don't understand.  "How can someone say that? I have an illness that without medical assistance, makes it extremely difficult (though not impossible) to get pregnant, and that makes it impossible to support a pregnancy meaning we will lose every child we conceive. Of course this fertility stuff is necessary." 

So that really got my wheels turning. In my case, no, patience will not get me pregnant nor support the growth of our babies. Unfortunately, I do need assistance. Undergoing fertility treatments is not about us "rushing" to get pregnant like we are on a tight schedule... It's the next step in order for us to start our family- and it is necessary. 

The Google definition of the word patient basically tells me that I should be able to just wait out this whole process until I am pregnant without getting upset. Okay... If that's the case, then I guess I'm NOT as patient as I thought. Every single BFN that I get causes me to get a little upset. Okay, I'm totally lying.. I'm devistated all over again. It's like I'm back at square one and the imaginary baby in my imaginary womb from the two weeks previous is gone and I just feel helpless. Slightly melodramatic, I know. But I swear that for us women ttc, especially those in a long term battle, that's how it feels sometimes. So basically me getting upset is an understatement which by definition means I'm not taking everyone's advice and being patient. 

But, I have tried to only allow myself a day or two each month to be upset and brought down. Then I pick myself back up with a smile on my face... Hold my husbands hand real tight... And try again. And every month I allow myself to brainstorm middle names and to search for cute announcement ideas for when we DO become pregnant.

So does it make me impatient to want to have a baby now? Or rather that I am seeking help to make it possible? Or that I get upset when another month comes and goes without success and that i get sad? 

Maybe there's more to having patience than just sitting back and waiting without getting upset... maybe the idea of being patient has more to do with looking at the good around you while you are forced to wait for something.  Being able to still enjoy marriage and the simplicity of it just being two of us.  Being able to go on date night at the drop of a hat and knowing that that wont last forever.  Deciding (right after renewing a year-long lease) that it was time to buy a house and having to sublet our apartment so we can buy one.  And doing it!  

Maybe the idea of being patient is really just going about your life in the most positive way you can... Allowing yourself time to be sad and upset... But picking yourself back up and finding the good in life. 

Just some food for thought. 

Xoxo

"Have a baby," they said... "It's easy," they said...

So we are well into our infertility journey and we are holding up... but this little blog entry isn't about our progress, it's about our experiences throughout this process.

You get married. People start asking you when you are going to have kids.  You start to get "the fever."  You get anxious. You decide to start. You get excited. One month goes by. Not pregnant. Confused. Two months. Nothing. Frustrated. You Google it. Oh, elevate my hips? Skip a day?  Track my ovulation? Take supplements? Have HIM take them? Confident. Three months goes by. It didn't work. Worried. A few more months go by. You are pregnant! Ecstatic.  You don't believe it. Shocked.  Genuinely happy.  You miscarry.  Blame yourself.  Broken. Sad. Devastated. You pick yourself up. Everything happens for a reason, right? Get pregnant again. Happy. Terrified. You miscarry again. Heartbroken. There's something wrong with me. Why is God doing this? It's not fair. Can I try again? Am I strong enough? Yes. I have a great support system. Stronger. Let's tackle this.  Doctor's appointment. One diagnosis. Sad. Fertility clinic. More diagnosis'. Very down. Assured. It can happen.

And then there are the doctors appointments... 

Blood work every other day.. Ultrasounds 
Every other day.. IVs.. Good news.. Bad news.. Your legs up in the air while 2 or 3 different people waltz around the room like its nothing. Not to mention $20/visit for a co-pay which adds up to between $60-$100 a week. And of course it doesn't help that you are reminded weekly that you are on the "recurrent pregnancy loss program." Because there is nothing I enjoy more than being reminded constantly of the BABIES that I will never know and that are waiting for me in heaven..... 

And of course the doctor puts you on medicine. Which is the understatement of the year.  8 pills a day that cause you nausea, fatigue, hot flashes, and multiple other ANNOYING side effects. A gel every morning- I'm not even going to touch on that unpleasantness.  And shots every night in my stomach that feel equivalent of wasp or hornet stings and leave my stomach looking like a swollen, purple, pin cushion. 

And of course... The dreaded and un-preventable two week wait where you don't want to get your hopes up... But you literally can not help but have hope.. Just to be let down.

That all being said... This is NOT meant to be a pity post. I am not looking for people to say, "I'm so sorry." Because honestly, I'm not sorry. I am choosing this path. It sucks. I can't sugar coat that... But, there are thousands of women that are going through this every day, all over the world. We support each other. We complain about how hard it is. We want to give up one day and want to go full force the next. At the end of the day, we just want a baby. We want a child. We want our family to grow. We want to watch our husbands love someone so fiercely that it makes us fall in love with him all over again.  We want to look at the miracle of life made from the best parts of ourselves and the best parts of the one we love. It's what we want. And we choose to take this journey. 

The most important thing is having support. So I guess the whole point I'm tying to make is that more than anything, women and couples going through this experience need support. We need to know we are not alone. And we need to know that whether it takes 12 months or 12 years, the finish-line will make it all worth it. 

Baby steps to get a Baby

A little bit every day. 

Since opening up about our fertility issues, I have been so much more comfortable.  The amount of support my husband and I have received it so surprising and overwhelming... And we thank you. I have had friends and even family open up to me and share what they have gone through and for the first time in the last year, I don't feel alone. 

Yesterday, UPS dropped off a box filled with the medication I'll need to start taking. When I was first told about the PCOS I was so overwhelmed that I maybe heard about 25% of what the doctors said and I'm pretty sure that the medication was part of what I blocked out. Well, I probably should have listened!! The box contained needles, syringes, gels, pills, little bottles, big bottles, and a Sharps Disposal box. I pulled everything out and had absolutely no clue where to go from there. My husband being the most amazing man in the world pulled his humor into it and started googling the medications to figure out what they're for and labeling them with hysterical post-it notes so I know what to take, how to take it, and what it's for. 

He really is God sent.

With this tough time we're beginning to realize that you can let this process engulf you in negativity, or you can laugh.  Not every day, in fact, two days ago I pulled out my collection of baby stuff for the first time since my last miscarriage and I just held it, looked at it all, and moped. Everyone has the right to a little self pity. But making fun of the situation is making it livable, it's helping us to accept it, and hopefully stopping the "when are having babies?!" constant reminder of our struggle. 

Xoxo

First comes Love, then comes Marriage, then comes.. infertility apparently?

I've been a little absent lately.. and yes I know, I never finished my NeuroWater blogs.  I'll try to get to them eventually.

We've been a little preoccupied lately by our fertility issues.  For the last year I have kept to myself and been private about what my husband and I have been going through.  I've come to a point where I realize I feel comfortable enough sharing our journey and that, in fact, it may help me cope with it to share it.

We started trying to conceive about a year ago.  I was so excited when we first began TTC (trying to conceive) because in my crazy, misinformed little mind, I really thought we would be pregnant in a few months tops.  We're healthy, young, and in our prime "child-bearing years." Should be easy! I cut out all alcohol, coffee, and tea, and began a prenatal vitamins & green smoothie ritual.  After 6 months when we still weren't pregnant, I began giving up hope.  Well, go figure, at the end of that sixth month when I took my monthly pregnancy tests.. it was positive! I was completely in shock.. and over the next 24 hours took six pregnancy tests just to 'make sure.' I spent two days crying from happiness.  Well... long story short, at eight weeks along, I miscarried.  I had been being monitored and part of me knew it was coming... but that did nothing to prepare myself.  It was literally the worst feeling in the world but after a couple weeks I started to think, "Well, at least we know I CAN get pregnant..." 

Of course, the doctors told me to wait a full cycle before trying again.. and we thought we did... but apparently not well enough.  Two weeks after the miscarriage, while on a vacation, I started to have a huge lack of appetite just like I did in my first pregnancy.  For a day or two I asked some family and my husband if there was any chance I could be pregnant again after JUST loosing a baby.  It didn't seem likely so I put the thought out of my head for another two weeks.  Sure enough, I was! I found out at around 4 weeks and unfortunately miscarried only a few days after finding out.  It went from the happiest time in my life, to the most painful, back to the happiest (and scariest the second time), to a horrible feeling of hopelessness and utter loss.

About six months later I had my first appointment at the fertility clinic.  After two hours, an ultra sound, lots of conversations, and twenty vials of blood they were able to diagnose me with polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) and luteal phase defect.  Infertility was the very last thing I thought I was going to have to deal with in this process. Since then I have had some time to try to process everything that's gone on and I've begun to come to terms with everything.  Some days, I just think about how now I'm finally on the right track and between the medication and IUI procedures I should be pregnant in no time.  Most days, I just think about the fact that the two babies I lost were miracles in the fact that I was even able to conceive... and I just feel like I am the only person in the world struggling with PCOS.  

So now that my story is out... I have a few pieces of advice on how to deal with a friend or loved one who is going through something like this... 

First some things NOT to say-

"Just Relax and stop trying, it will happen"

      I feel like this is the first thing people say.. but lets think about this.. for some of us, relaxing isn't a cure.  There is something very wrong with our bodies and no amount of relaxing will change that.  As for the stop trying, well.. that defeats the whole idea of trying to get pregnant.  This whole process is difficult, we know to relax as best we can ... but it will not help us to get pregnant and maintain that pregnancy.

"It's all God's plan, it will happen when he wants it too"

      Even for the most religious of us... this isn't 100% comforting.  For me personally, I know it is his plan and I know that it will happen when its 'supposed to,' but it doesn't make it any easier.

"I know just how you feel, I went through something just like that"

      Okay, well first of all.. if you really went through PCOS then please, help me.. tell me what you did, what medications you were on, how many pregnancy's you lost, and how long it took you to have your children.  Because I am terrified and I want as many success stories as possible right now. If you had something totally different or had just one unfortunate miscarriage when you first started TTC, then you do not know just how I feel.  I have been told that I am infertile and as a woman, hearing that you cannot do what your body is made for without assistance and luck is extremely difficult.  ESPECIALLY if you don't have any fertility problems, then no, you don't know how we feel.

"It's okay, you're still young, you have lots of time to have children.. no need to rush!"

     This is by far my least favorite thing to hear.  Yes, I know my age, thank you. I know that I am young.  I also know that I am married and my husband and I both work full time, we have a house, and we as a couple have decided to start our family young.  This is 100% our decision and you telling me that we are still young is not going to change that, its just going to frustrate me even more.  From a selfish and frustrated point of view, teenagers getting pregnant is young, but they do it... so me being an adult, mature, stable, and married does not seem like an issue to me.

So here are some things that you CAN say and do to help loved ones through times like this.. 

Google It. 

     Do some research on what they are going through.  Most of the time, we can't even explain it all.. I know right now I barely understand what I have let alone being able to explain it to other people.  Maybe you'll come across some GENUINELY helpful pieces of advice that they can use specifically for their issue.  We appreciate any and all REAL advice we can get.  

Ask us.

     Some people don't want to talk about what they are going through.  I know because I was like that for quite some time... but some of us really do want to talk about it.  Don't worry, if we don't, we'll tell you.. but at least you showed some effort to understand it. Just ask. And mean it. 

If you're pregnant...

      DON'T SHY AWAY FROM US.  We are perfectly capable of being happy for you! Will we have a silently selfish phase where we are jealous because lets be honest, we are allowed  to wallow in self pity for a little while.. but at the exact same time we are so happy for you because we of all people understand how absolutely amazing it is to be expecting. Please share your exciting news with us.. because we do want to know and we will be as happy for you as anyone.. don't feel guilty.  

Just some food for thought ... until the next part of my journey..  

xoxo.

NeuroDaily

NeuroDaily. 

The first I tested... I had a bottle a day, 2 days in a row.  It is tangerine citrus flavored, lightly carbonated water. The main purpose of NeuroDaily is to provide your body with an extra boost of vitamins. It supports a healty immune system and helps fight your body of the distress caused from lack of sleep, stress, and poor nutrition. 

So, here was my experience...

Like I said, I drank a bottle a day, two days in a row. I decided to start with this immune system boosting drink because I was starting to get sick.  From the stress of moving and the allergens from sleeping in a new house (that wasn't previously ours or cleaned to my liking) I started to get a terrible head cold about a week ago. The drinks tasted basically like a 7-up or Mountain Dew. Not my favorite at all, but it was drinkable.. And if anyone likes citrusy flavored carbonated drinks, I'm sure you'd enjoy it. Right away, of course, I didn't feel any different... But to be honest, today I do feel a little better! Call it a coincidence.. But my cold has definitely subsided.  Whether that's due to the drink or not I obviously can't prove... But, the drink had absolutely no negative side affects. It gives your body a boost of immunity which may have stopped my cold dead in its tracks. Definitely a great way to take your daily vitamins!! 

The Neuro Craze

So, I recently discovered the line of Neuro drinks. They are relatively new, especially to the Rochester area, so when I saw them about a month ago at a gas station, I was drawn to them purely because of the appearance of the bottles. They had a few different types (NeuroSonic, NeuroPassion, and NueroBliss), so I chose NeuroPassion. The bottle said it increases stamina and endurance and since I was on my way to teach a dance class, it seemed fitting. Sure enough, the bottle wasn't lying! It was like an energy drink made out of lightly carbonated water. I found myself full of energy and ready to go... Needless to say, I stopped at that same gas station the following week to get another bottle.  I soon found myself LOVING this little bottle of liquid vitamins, so I went online and discovered that the Neuro-line of drinks has something for any and all of your needs. NeuroSonic for mental performance, NeuroDaily for daily immunity, NeuroBliss for reduced stress, NeuroSleep to help you sleep easy, NeuroPassion for increased stamina, and NeuroTrim to manage your hunger. The main ingredient in all of them is water and they have no artificial colors or  flavors.  Seeing as the last Blog sequence I did was about the military diet and whether or not that worked, I immediately decided I wanted to try all of these drinks and review them in a Blog as well.  I emailed the company to let them know my plan, and today in the mail I received a box with two bottles each of four different kinds.   Thank you Neuro Drinks! So without  delay, I will being my mini "tests" of  these drinks.

Military Diet : Day 3- FINAL Results

I finished! 

Breakfast- 5 saltine crackers, 1 apple, 1 slice cheddar cheese 

Lunch- 1 egg, 1 slice of toast 

Dinner- 1 cup of tuna, 1/2 a banana, 1 cup vanilla ice cream 

So here are the results: on day two, I didn't exercise at all, but I stuck exactly to the diet. On day three my husband, dogs, and I went on a 3 mile walk and I only ate 1/2 cup of tuna (1 cup is a lot of dry tuna). BUT we also went to the movies last night so I have in and got a regular sized icee and a junior sized popcorn... Yes with butter and salt. I didn't expect to lose anything, but I did! Between day 2 and 3 I lost another 4 pounds!! My total weight loss for the military diet was 7.2 pounds. I am so excited! I don't plan to restart the diet after 4 days like it says you can, in just going to try to eat healthier than I used to and to keep up my exercising. 

This diet did give me a different appreciation for "plain" food, less sugar in coffee, less mayo in tuna, less salt and pepper on eggs, and less ketchup and mustard on turkey dogs. So I'd say for a quick weight loss, it's worth it. Good luck to all who try it :)