Patience.
Pa•tience.
/' pāSHens/
Noun
1. the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
Let's be honest for a second; Is there anyone in the world who has mastered the art of being patient all the time? Probably not. I can tell you that over the last year and a half my "patience" has been tested more than it has my whole life. The whole process of ttc will test anyone's, will it not? Whether you get pregnant your first month trying or it takes you eight years... You still have the ever-dreaded two week wait where you do everything from mentally convince yourself that you have morning sickness, sore boobs, and a full blown baby belly, to googling statistics, figure out what your due date is going to be, stopping alcohol consumption, and begin picking out furniture and baby names. All of these things, of course fueled by excitement, are most likely just acts to keep yourself occupied while you're waiting month after month to find out if you've got your BFP.
I'm sure this isn't the same for everyone, but I know that this is how the first year of my journey went. In fact I can tell you what we are going to name our children, what color the nurserys will be, what style clothes they will wear, and what products I will use. Thank you Pinterest. (Yes, I am aware that almost all of them will change when the time comes, please don't mistake my optimism for naivety.) :)
So this brings me to my next point...over the last few weeks I have heard the term, "Just be patient" probably close to twenty times. And every time I respond with a smile accompanied by, "oh, I am!" Or, "I'm trying!" Which is true... I am definitely trying to be and most of the time I am very patient. And as always, the encouragement and support is what keeps me going with a level head; so thank you.
But after another conversation recently where it was said, "Why are [Nikki and Jon] in such a hurry to have a baby? This fertility stuff is just unnecessary. If they're just patient then it will happen!" I was a little taken aback.
My first reaction was to just get upset and and vent to my husband about how some people just don't understand. "How can someone say that? I have an illness that without medical assistance, makes it extremely difficult (though not impossible) to get pregnant, and that makes it impossible to support a pregnancy meaning we will lose every child we conceive. Of course this fertility stuff is necessary."
So that really got my wheels turning. In my case, no, patience will not get me pregnant nor support the growth of our babies. Unfortunately, I do need assistance. Undergoing fertility treatments is not about us "rushing" to get pregnant like we are on a tight schedule... It's the next step in order for us to start our family- and it is necessary.
The Google definition of the word patient basically tells me that I should be able to just wait out this whole process until I am pregnant without getting upset. Okay... If that's the case, then I guess I'm NOT as patient as I thought. Every single BFN that I get causes me to get a little upset. Okay, I'm totally lying.. I'm devistated all over again. It's like I'm back at square one and the imaginary baby in my imaginary womb from the two weeks previous is gone and I just feel helpless. Slightly melodramatic, I know. But I swear that for us women ttc, especially those in a long term battle, that's how it feels sometimes. So basically me getting upset is an understatement which by definition means I'm not taking everyone's advice and being patient.
But, I have tried to only allow myself a day or two each month to be upset and brought down. Then I pick myself back up with a smile on my face... Hold my husbands hand real tight... And try again. And every month I allow myself to brainstorm middle names and to search for cute announcement ideas for when we DO become pregnant.
So does it make me impatient to want to have a baby now? Or rather that I am seeking help to make it possible? Or that I get upset when another month comes and goes without success and that i get sad?
Maybe there's more to having patience than just sitting back and waiting without getting upset... maybe the idea of being patient has more to do with looking at the good around you while you are forced to wait for something. Being able to still enjoy marriage and the simplicity of it just being two of us. Being able to go on date night at the drop of a hat and knowing that that wont last forever. Deciding (right after renewing a year-long lease) that it was time to buy a house and having to sublet our apartment so we can buy one. And doing it!
Maybe there's more to having patience than just sitting back and waiting without getting upset... maybe the idea of being patient has more to do with looking at the good around you while you are forced to wait for something. Being able to still enjoy marriage and the simplicity of it just being two of us. Being able to go on date night at the drop of a hat and knowing that that wont last forever. Deciding (right after renewing a year-long lease) that it was time to buy a house and having to sublet our apartment so we can buy one. And doing it!
Maybe the idea of being patient is really just going about your life in the most positive way you can... Allowing yourself time to be sad and upset... But picking yourself back up and finding the good in life.
Just some food for thought.
Xoxo
