I have pondered over whether or not to write this post for a few weeks. It isn't easy to write. Let me preface this by saying we don't want sympathy. That's not what this is about. So many people have prayed for us and we appreciate it more than you guys can ever know. Every single prayer has touched our hearts and given us comfort. It took me a year to first share our story and since then I have strived to raise awareness about PCOS, infertility, and child loss.
(Dpiui stands for Days Past IUI. #1was taken every morning, #2, each afternoon... I even resorted to testing at a gun raffle becuse I just wanted reassurance that I was still pregnant and that this was actually happening.)
Both babies measured exactly where they should have. We were able to see fetal poles as well as the yolk sac. For the most part things seemed right on track.
I want to share this update to our story to let everyone know why we needed prayers and what has been going on. I have only waited a few weeks this time which makes it a little more raw and a little more difficult. Bear with me if this seems poorly written... I haven't completely come to terms yet and I don't have the strength to pretend like it is okay. Again- please don't think this is a request for sympathy, just trying to uphold my promise of updates for those following our story.
In October we began our fourth IUI cycle. For those not familiar with what that is, the easiest way for me to describe it is "the turkey bastor method" of getting pregnant. It involves a lot of medication to help produce an egg before the procedure and to help maintain the potential pregnancy from the moment of conception. We have had three failed IUI's already and a lot of doctors will recommend that after three you move on to invitro because the chance of an IUI working statistically drops after the third try.
Well, we defied that statistic and fell pregnant on our fourth try.
We were estatic, ellated, filled with joy and wonder. I took two tests a day just to see that second line get darker and darker..
A few days after the positive tests I went to get my beta levels taken. My horomone level was 95... I was officially very pregnant. Every 48 hours that number will double in a healthy pregnancy and this is where we began to get nervous because our first two pregnancies never had doubling numbers. So by that Friday, we should have been around 200.... The level came back at 340... An EXTREMELY healthy pregnancy!! We were due on July 7th.
A week later we went to our first ultrasound. Our horomone level should have been around 5,000... It was over 13,000. That's when we learned why I had such high levels...
TWINS. Not only did our fourth IUI get us pregnant... It got us pregnant with twins. Two babies. Two healthy babies were growing inside of me.
We laughed, we cried, God answered our prayers way more than we could have ever imagined. With such fantastic numbers the fertility clinic began preparing to graduate us to my normal obgyn so that we could continue on like a normal, healthy pregnancy.
A week later we went for our next ultrasound. The most amazing thing in the world to see your two little sesame seeds growing.
But, this is also where some concern began. At this time they should have began to see a flutter of heartbeats on both babies but they weren't able to see them. We were told that it may have been just a little too early. I had also developed blood and fluid in my uterus which concerned the doctor, but we were told that it may not be anything to worry about. Because of the medication I developed OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and I had a very large cyst on my left ovary. The cyst was actually larger than the ovary itself. Again, nothing too concerning as this is relatively common. We just had to wait it out for it to go away on its own. If it ruptured or torsioned then we would have to rush to the ER and that would become pretty dangerous. By the end of the appointment we were told to be "causiously optimistic," I was put on bed rest, and we were asked to come back in three days. At that time we would definitely be able to see heartbeats on those precious babies.
So began a time of prayer. Day in, day out prayer.
On Monday morning I had the utmost confidance that we would see those little flickers... I felt great, I felt incredibly pregnant in fact so I knew the hormones were rising. With twins people often start showing at 8 weeks pregnant and I definitely had a little something (most likely attributed to a bloat bump mixed with the enlarged ovary and constipation) going on.
So off we went to our appointment.
This is the hard part so excuse my lack of detail.
We lost the babies. They had stopped growing, there was no heartbeat for either one. The blood/fluid in my uterus had increased even more. My hormones were rising but they had stopped doubling like they should have.
The rest, as they say, is history. A bad history. It goes without saying that we are beyond devastated... We've cried.. A lot. Four days later we traveled to Syracuse for a D&C. I was put under anesthesia, had a 25 minute procedure where they were also able to drain the cyst. The babies are being tested to see if they can figure out what went wrong. We should have answers later this week. We do know that the Luteal Phase Defect is what most likely caused this miscarriage.
I have spent the last two weeks emotionally blocked off. I can go about my day and pretend that everything is okay. But usually, at least once a day, I break down, just a little bit...sometimes a lot...
In our mid-twenties, after two and a half years of marriage, we have four children in heaven. Four babies that we won't know. Four little angels whose birthday won't get celebrated, who we won't get to hold, who we will spend the rest of our lives wondering about.
That's our story. There's nothing more right now.
The love and support that has been extended to us in the last few weeks has been so touching and over whelming. Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out, sent cards, or other things. This is the week that I planned to announce our pregnancy on Facebook and it seems fitting that I share this with you now.
So again, thank you for the prayers. ❤️
