I've been a little absent lately.. and yes I know, I never finished my NeuroWater blogs. I'll try to get to them eventually.
We've been a little preoccupied lately by our fertility issues. For the last year I have kept to myself and been private about what my husband and I have been going through. I've come to a point where I realize I feel comfortable enough sharing our journey and that, in fact, it may help me cope with it to share it.
We started trying to conceive about a year ago. I was so excited when we first began TTC (trying to conceive) because in my crazy, misinformed little mind, I really thought we would be pregnant in a few months tops. We're healthy, young, and in our prime "child-bearing years." Should be easy! I cut out all alcohol, coffee, and tea, and began a prenatal vitamins & green smoothie ritual. After 6 months when we still weren't pregnant, I began giving up hope. Well, go figure, at the end of that sixth month when I took my monthly pregnancy tests.. it was positive! I was completely in shock.. and over the next 24 hours took six pregnancy tests just to 'make sure.' I spent two days crying from happiness. Well... long story short, at eight weeks along, I miscarried. I had been being monitored and part of me knew it was coming... but that did nothing to prepare myself. It was literally the worst feeling in the world but after a couple weeks I started to think, "Well, at least we know I CAN get pregnant..."
Of course, the doctors told me to wait a full cycle before trying again.. and we thought we did... but apparently not well enough. Two weeks after the miscarriage, while on a vacation, I started to have a huge lack of appetite just like I did in my first pregnancy. For a day or two I asked some family and my husband if there was any chance I could be pregnant again after JUST loosing a baby. It didn't seem likely so I put the thought out of my head for another two weeks. Sure enough, I was! I found out at around 4 weeks and unfortunately miscarried only a few days after finding out. It went from the happiest time in my life, to the most painful, back to the happiest (and scariest the second time), to a horrible feeling of hopelessness and utter loss.
About six months later I had my first appointment at the fertility clinic. After two hours, an ultra sound, lots of conversations, and twenty vials of blood they were able to diagnose me with polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) and luteal phase defect. Infertility was the very last thing I thought I was going to have to deal with in this process. Since then I have had some time to try to process everything that's gone on and I've begun to come to terms with everything. Some days, I just think about how now I'm finally on the right track and between the medication and IUI procedures I should be pregnant in no time. Most days, I just think about the fact that the two babies I lost were miracles in the fact that I was even able to conceive... and I just feel like I am the only person in the world struggling with PCOS.
So now that my story is out... I have a few pieces of advice on how to deal with a friend or loved one who is going through something like this...
First some things NOT to say-
"Just Relax and stop trying, it will happen"
I feel like this is the first thing people say.. but lets think about this.. for some of us, relaxing isn't a cure. There is something very wrong with our bodies and no amount of relaxing will change that. As for the stop trying, well.. that defeats the whole idea of trying to get pregnant. This whole process is difficult, we know to relax as best we can ... but it will not help us to get pregnant and maintain that pregnancy.
"It's all God's plan, it will happen when he wants it too"
Even for the most religious of us... this isn't 100% comforting. For me personally, I know it is his plan and I know that it will happen when its 'supposed to,' but it doesn't make it any easier.
"I know just how you feel, I went through something just like that"
Okay, well first of all.. if you really went through PCOS then please, help me.. tell me what you did, what medications you were on, how many pregnancy's you lost, and how long it took you to have your children. Because I am terrified and I want as many success stories as possible right now. If you had something totally different or had just one unfortunate miscarriage when you first started TTC, then you do not know just how I feel. I have been told that I am infertile and as a woman, hearing that you cannot do what your body is made for without assistance and luck is extremely difficult. ESPECIALLY if you don't have any fertility problems, then no, you don't know how we feel.
"It's okay, you're still young, you have lots of time to have children.. no need to rush!"
This is by far my least favorite thing to hear. Yes, I know my age, thank you. I know that I am young. I also know that I am married and my husband and I both work full time, we have a house, and we as a couple have decided to start our family young. This is 100% our decision and you telling me that we are still young is not going to change that, its just going to frustrate me even more. From a selfish and frustrated point of view, teenagers getting pregnant is young, but they do it... so me being an adult, mature, stable, and married does not seem like an issue to me.
So here are some things that you CAN say and do to help loved ones through times like this..
Google It.
Do some research on what they are going through. Most of the time, we can't even explain it all.. I know right now I barely understand what I have let alone being able to explain it to other people. Maybe you'll come across some GENUINELY helpful pieces of advice that they can use specifically for their issue. We appreciate any and all REAL advice we can get.
Ask us.
Some people don't want to talk about what they are going through. I know because I was like that for quite some time... but some of us really do want to talk about it. Don't worry, if we don't, we'll tell you.. but at least you showed some effort to understand it. Just ask. And mean it.
If you're pregnant...
DON'T SHY AWAY FROM US. We are perfectly capable of being happy for you! Will we have a silently selfish phase where we are jealous because lets be honest, we are allowed to wallow in self pity for a little while.. but at the exact same time we are so happy for you because we of all people understand how absolutely amazing it is to be expecting. Please share your exciting news with us.. because we do want to know and we will be as happy for you as anyone.. don't feel guilty.
Just some food for thought ... until the next part of my journey..
xoxo.
